I've been feeling sad these last few days, so I just thought I'd write about it.
My grandmother passed away on Saturday. She was 96 and her body just gave up on her. She had a heart attack and a stroke in the same week, and after a few days of paralysis, including not being able to eat, she passed. Many of her children were with her when she went. I'm sad I couldn't be one of those with her, but sometimes having small children means you miss opportunities. Two of my children had evaluations for a private school that couldn't be rescheduled. We tried to find a way to make it work with me gone, but we couldn't. And I couldn't make the trip at the expense of an educational opportunity for them. But trust me, it was a difficult choice to make.
Anyway, her funeral is this coming Saturday in New Jersey. We considered the whole family going, but flights are expensive! My round trip, economy ticket was $350. Multiply that times 4, plus a hotel, and a rental car with car seats, then food...just no. We can't do it. Not for a 2 day trip. But here's the problem - I'm going to be gone for 2 days.
Until Sunday, I'd still been breastfeeding #3. He's 16 months old. I've been asked so many times when I'm going to stop, and truth be told, I really didn't have any idea. I'd definitely cut down on sessions. I would nurse him anywhere from 1 - 3 times during the day - usually in the morning, to put him down for a nap if we were at home (rarely), and then nurse to sleep (if he was ready to sleep) - and occasionally overnight. Recently, night feedings had become more frequent. And really exhausting (see Bedtime Shenanigans).
He'd become really dependent on me. Lately, there'd been a lot of tugging at my shirt, putting his hand literally inside my bra trying to pull my boob out, bringing me his Boppy. Normal stuff I'm sure, but I'm not used to that. My #2 gave up nursing on her own when she was 13 months. She just pulled away from a nursing session one day, got out of my lap and never came back. To be honest, even with all the hard times I'd experienced with her over that first year, I was really sad she decided she didn't need me anymore. I guess that's probably when I was planning on stopping this time - when he decided he didn't need me anymore. Because I really love that he still needs me.
But it didn't work out that way. I'm on day 4 of cutting him off my breast. And I'm still as sad today as I was on 4 days ago. Since we can't take the kids with us, I decided to cut him off cold turkey so as he wouldn't be too stressed while I'm away. Hubby will be alone over night with all 3 kids for the first time and I didn't want him to have to deal with said Bedtime Shenanigans on top of a distressed baby who doesn't understand why his mama isn't coming to him to soothe him to sleep.
"Why don't I just take the baby with me? He's free to fly." I know. I thought about it. I still can't promise I won't grab him and bring him on the plane with me when I leave tomorrow! I will miss all my babies sooooooo much. haven't been gone from #3 for more than a few hours. My last overnight away was a year and a half ago when my uncle passed away and I had to make a trip to Jersey for his funeral. But, this time, it' just too much. It's going to be a crowded house, there's no baby proofing, a high stairwell with no gates, lots of things for him to touch and break. And what if he fusses during the funeral? Then I'd have to get up and leave and I just don't want to. It's my grandmother. So, he's staying home.
My husband is the awesomest and he really tries to be helpful and understanding, but I think this is one thing he doesn't quite understand. He was the primary one asking me when I was going to stop. Telling me he doesn't need to nurse anymore. I don't think he understands it's a really emotional thing, breastfeeding. I've nourished this little person from the second he came into the world. For his first 5 months, I was the only thing keeping him alive! He slept with me every night and we created a serious bond. Literally connected. And now it's broken. There are so many things he doesn't need me for anymore. This is my little 16 month old baby who can walk, climb, feed himself. Heck, he even knows how to turn the TV on if i turned off something he was watching!!! I guess I really would have like to just hold on to this one thing until he decided he was done. Maybe silly, maybe dramatic, but he's my last baby (Well, probably haha! We just can't decide!!!), and I just want to enjoy him being a baby for as long as I can.
So this is a real loss for me and I can't help but cry as I type this, because I'm sad. I'm sad I don't get to cradle him and rub his head while I feed him anymore. Sad that I have to leave all three of them tomorrow. Sad that my grandmother passed on and my family is mourning. Just sad.
But now my #2 is awake so it's time to start the day.
Thanks for reading.
Until next time,