Bedtime Shenanigans | The Glam Mom

Bedtime Shenanigans

Edit - 
I'm going to preface this with a few things:
  1. There is profanity in this post. If that bothers you, click away right now. 
  2. I'm not asking for advice.  I'm just venting. I know all the recommendations. None of that bookish stuff works for my kids.  What does work right now?  Going with the flow.  
  3. Don't come at me with any bullshit after reading this, because I will block you.  
K, thanks.  So...

Hi there, 

I've been wanting to write a post about the shit show that is bedtime at our house for the longest. Well tonight's the night! It's almost 10:30, husband is out and the baby is awake, laying on my chest so I'm writing it asap before I forget this nonsense. 

Yes, the baby is awake. And so is my son. The crying has stopped in my daughter's room, so I'm assuming she finally dozed off...

So here's the long and short of it - I fucking hate bedtime.  

I've hated bedtime since #1 was small.  He never slept. Ever. I can't even say he'd sleep if someone was sleeping with him, like the other 2. I'm not going to go into each kid's individual sleep issues,  but they l have them and...

Oh wait.  My daughter is still awake because she just opened her door.  Excuse me while I yell across the house at her.  

Good fucking God. I swear they hate me.  When is my husband coming home?!?!?!  He better have cake when be walks through the door. 

Anyway, my kids don't sleep.  None of them.   At this point the only one who sleeps through the night is the 4 year old, and this is a fairly new development.  The 2.5 year old usually wakes once and ends up in bed with me and the baby wakes anywhere from 1-4 times, but usually it's just to fuss a bit and he's easy to go back down. Sometimes in the last few weeks he's required a night nursing,  which is ridiculous,  but if it gets him to go back to sleep, then I'll do it. 


Bedtime is always a fucking shit show. We "stick to a routine," but my kids just aren't routine-ey. They love to toss us curve balls!  Like tonight. 

Husband is out for a late night medical procedure. While it didn't need to be scheduled for 8pm (!!!!!!!!!), I'm not going to give him a hard time about it because it's something he's been putting off for years and I'm glad it's taken care of now (but like I said, he better bring me some cake as a thank you for being understanding!!!!)  I was building a book case and the kids were playing and being generally good.  I'd let them have pudding for dessert (this is probably where I went really really wrong!!!! But it was before 7pm so I thought it'd be ok!) because they'd eaten their dinners and we're behaving fairly well, so we came upstairs for bed at 8. Yes 8. For many families that sounds so late, but it's normal here. They don't usually wake until 8-830am. (We're always late for everything because of it! We've tried to move it up, but it just doesn't work for us because, well, shenanigans.)

All was going well.  Teeth were brushed.  #2 gave up her book choice in favor of listening to Frankie Valli's "Big Girls Don't Cry." #1 chose Marcel the Shell: The Most Surprised I've Ever Been. I got him into his bed, and he didn't want to go to sleep because he was working on a new Lego Bus design. OK. I told him he could finish his bus and I'd come back and tuck him in after I got his sister settled.  

#2.  She is a mess. (BTW - I refer to my kids as numbers for now, because I'm trying not to expose too much about them.  At least for now.  That's why my photos are usually of just me lately.  Not sure yet how much I want to include them. Yet. Anyway...) She's a disaster.  She was just born that way and you can't help but love her for it.  She's amazing in so many ways, but she is TOUGH. And sleep for her is a group activity.  She basically refuses to do it alone unless I force her. Like tonight.  She took her little behind back to bed during my yelling break above. She wants someone to lay with her. Every night. And sometimes she will lay there awake for an hour. So someone just has to lay there with her. But on a night like tonight it's impossible because I'm alone and baby #3 still nurses to sleep. But lately he nurses, and jumps up and plays and does NOT go to sleep. 

So I lay with #2, while holding #3, hoping for the best. I told her I could only stay a few minutes then her brother needed to nurse to sleep. She said ok, but of course she didn't REALLY mean ok. She meant "stay for a few minutes and I'll pretend to go to sleep and then I'm going to open my door and make noise until I wake up the baby that you JUST laid down." That's what she really meant.  I'd literally just walked out of the baby's room to discipline her for making so much noise, when the baby started crying. So now I have to go back to him. But not before #1 calls for me.  His shoulders hurt.  Well, that's a new one.  He's been struggling with knee pain for over a year now. It always happens when  he's super tired. His knees ache and he needs us to rub them
He wakes us up in the middle of the night in tears. I assume it's growing pains and I feel sad for him because I don't know how to make him feel better,  so I just rub until he goes to sleep. I would have gladly rubbed his shoulders tonight except I had a crying baby and a ridic toddler making so much noise I just had to tell him "when you're sick, rest is best, rest is best." Mamas, you know where that's from and I'm sure you've all said it!  Right?!?!

So I tucked #2 back into bed and go get crying baby. That whole 5 minutes he was asleep was apparently all the rest he needed because he just wanted to play after that!  While I'm trying to rock him back to sleep,  guess who opens their door and hops the gate like a pro?  You guessed it! I told her to get back in her room immediately,  and she did. But it didn't last long...

Since #3 was wide awake again, I took him downstairs.  Most nights we feed him a veggie/fruit pouch before bed to get some extra calories in him. He needs them.  He's so tiny.  So we were cuddling on the couch when I hear the toilet flush and the sink turn on.  I just knew for sure it was #2. She loves to play in the fucking sink. It's so annoying.  But, surprise!  It was #1. He had to poop. And he didn't call for me. And he does not know how to wipe himself too well yet. So imagine my non-surprise when I walked in the bathroom and see poop smears ON THE TOILET PAPER ROLL.  Which means, he had poop on his hands when he flushed and turned on the sink and used the soap. Yo. I ain't go time for this shit!!!!! I had to not only re-wipe his behind (poop all over it of course!), I then had to bleach the whole bathroom. Because I'm terrified of stomach viruses. They are spread by poop germs y'all. He touched everything with poopy hands!!! So after I got him cleaned up and back in his room, I needed to clean the bathroom immediately. Can you believe #1 starts SINGING?!?!?!  Some happy fucking tune. I was like "who ever is singing better STAAAAHHHP IT IMMEDIATELY!!!"  Poor baby #3 cried in his room the whole time while #2, pretended to be asleep. When I finally finished, she of course came out looking for me. I carried her tush back to bed and told her I didn't want to see her out of her room again. (Obviously that didn't work, because, see above.)

Anyway. It's after 10:30 and everyone is finally asleep. And, in all honesty, this is fairly early this week. 2 nights ago, #1 stayed up until 1145 and he hadn't even taken a nap that day!!!   This is the kind of shit that happens around here almost nightly. Tonight it was only amplified because I didn't have a partner to split the work with. This is why my house is a mess. I have a baby up my ass all day, who doesn't nap alone.  Not complaining - I get to lay in bed for 2 hours a lot of days. But I don't get much else accomplished during the day. And nighttime, while most kids are asleep, my kids are wilding out.    

I hate that the last thing my kids have to hear before going to bed is me yelling at them. I try so hard to keep it together, even reminding them that mommy is on the verge, and nice mommy will disappear and mean mommy will take over.  Sometimes they care.  Sometimes they don't.  Tonight they didn't.  I can't blame them at all. They are small children.  They do what they can get away with. 

Lack of discipline?  Probably.  OK, absolutely.  But hubby is a softy and he doesn't like to listen to them cry so...I'm not soft, but we parent 50/50 (most of the time haha!), so, so far this is just the life we're dealing with.  But that doesn't mean I'm not going to complain!  I fucking hate this shit!!!!!!!! A LOT!!!!!

Benefit?  I planned to clean that bathroom today anyway. 

Just for fun, here's a few snippets from my SnapChat so you can see how things went around 5am.  You're jealous, I know.

Until next time, 


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  1. You are amazing. I have no idea how you do it......

  2. Mine didn't sleep all night until 4 either, now sleeps 7-7 without complaint. I hope whatever fairy dust hit her gets your kids next!

    1. Thanks Katie! Me too! It's 11pm and my 16 month old is still awake...***yawn*** :-(

  3. Girl I don't know how you do it!! I have to have my sleep or I'm grumpy and need to be locked up. I'll be praying for you!!

  4. Whoa! So what else is new. I suspect hundreds of millions of moms can easily relate with you.

    It's just a phase.

    Been there.

    Today is a new day, yeah, the same routine, the same thing happening again and again.

    It will get better though.

  5. I'm reaching 40 and still not blessed with a child. Sometimes it makes me sad but most of the time I feel lucky especially when friends complain about not having a decent sleep since the kids arrived. BUT I also HATE bedtime because eversince I'm in college, I'm having a hard time putting MYSELF to sleep! I actually slept 3am today and woke up with a headache and don't feel like leaving the bed.

  6. This sounds like our home at the moment. The annoying thing is, ours were always great sleepers. Then the 3 year got to know his own mind. He's so scared of everything. We did the whole lying in his room, we still do, the second he wakes in the night for the toilet he still ends up in our bed. The baby comes in as well. The elder two still are great sleepers thank goodness, but yeah the baby never sleeps, I don't know how she does it. She doesn't nap all day and then is up most of the night, singing, happy, but man that doesn't seem cute when you just need some shut eye. I absolutely feel for you, my hubby and I are both constant zombies at the moment. I just have to keep telling myself, it will end, it will end. They won't get to seven and still be sleeping in my bed! Will they? Thinking of you anyway lovely. Your pics made me laugh, so familiar.

  7. I love this so much, because you don't hold back at all. I am the oldest of 6 (soon to be 7) little ones, ranging from just turned 18 (hello, it's me) to an on the way newborn, so while I'm not a mother yet, I totally get this! All I can say is keep loving them with the brightest pink light and try to be as compassionate and calm as you can be!

  8. Honestly, I'm giggling while reading this post. Probably because I'm NOT a parent. As I continued reading I started feeling scared about my future because I know, just as every other parent has confessed to me, I will go through this. I can only pray for a day soon that you can relax and make hubby put them to bed. Great post, thanks for not covering up how you really feel. It's hard finding parents willing to show how much it pisses them off to try to get their kids to bed, or doing anything else really. I will be checking out some of your other posts! GO TO SLEEP! ;)

  9. My youngest cousin on my mother's side are with us for 2 weeks and seriously, I am not used to be awake the whole day because I'm nocturnal so what I do is I just don't sleep so I can assist her. I nap whenever she's asleep around afternoon. I just catch sleep when my sister or mother's at home at night but I automatically wake up after 2-3 hours because I am really used to be awake at night. My grandmother and grandfather are also with us but they can't carry her anymore. So it's a disaster here but I love here and everything's worth it.

  10. ooooh! is this what im getting myself into after marriage? hehe It's challenging aye. But i'd say bring it on and i'll let you know how we go! keep blogging the shenanigans, release the stress! xo

  11. I definitely know this all too well. My son is 5 and wakes his father up at 4-5am to lay with him but he knows better with me (but then his dad wakes me up complaining). I tell his dad not to give in to him. My daughter who just turned one is whiny/cries all the time. She needs to see me around or else all hell breaks loose. I'm pregnant with my 3rd baby, daughter and 2nd son will be 13-14 months apart. She's extremely jealous.... i can imagine how this is gonna go. But I remember I saw somewhere that the days are long and the years are short. By the time we know it, we're gonna miss them being this little. So I try hard to look pass the hard times, the messy house ,being overly tired and irritated because I know I'm gonna miss them this small. I hope bed time gets better!!